I meant to spend today working on my Capstone, but a Facebook notification reminded me that today is graduation day at my old college—the day I once expected to be graduating. As I write this, I’m watching the ceremony live-stream with strong mixed emotions.
I spent my first two years of college at a private Christian university in Ohio, but due to some health issues, I impulsively decided to transfer the summer before junior year. I’ve previously written an article for The Bagpipe chronicling the culture shock of transferring, so I won’t rehash that here.
Watching the graduation is surreal. I recognize the faces of my hallmates, my roommate, kids I sat next to in speech class or biology lab, the pretentious popular kids, my first ex and kids I often passed on the sidewalk but never talked to. In many ways, it’s the cumulation of the fervently-held but now broken dreams that I clung to for a long time.
According to my plan, I was supposed to be walking across that stage today, moments after my best friend. According to my plan, I would be graduating magna cum laude and, ideally, I’d have a ring on my finger. I would take pictures with my friends next to the lake on campus, as I prepared to either go into a government job or mission work (anything but a teaching job). I’d be a proud Yellow Jacket for life.
According to God’s plan, on May 22 in the Chattanooga Convention Center, I think I’ll be just short of graduating cum laude. I don’t have a ring on my finger, and I actually don’t want one anytime soon. I can’t wait to start my teaching job in Poland this fall. While I still consider myself a proud Yellow Jacket, I will also be a proud Scot for life.
As I mentioned before, my emotions are conflicted. I feel gratitude for my decision to transfer, as I remember how lonely I was at my old university, the intense peer pressure, the elitist student government and how deeply I struggled. At Covenant, I’ve experienced community that is deep and wide, the opportunity to be a Multicultural Program Leader, and amazing mental, spiritual and physical health. I’m nostalgic, as the president’s speech recalls many special memories that I once shared with the class of 2021 at my old college. I feel regret, as I ask myself if transferring was some kind of failure. I’m sad, as I see the faces of beloved friends, classmates and professors whom I cannot celebrate graduation with.
Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the incredible plan of God. He took my hopes and plans for the past four years and turned them upside-down. While I do have regrets and losses to mourn, I have many joys and gifts to celebrate. While I would not trade my time at my old school for anything, I would also not trade my time at Covenant for anything. While I do have many broken dreams, God has given me many new ones.
Your life is going to look a lot different than you expect or hope. It’s normal and honestly necessary to grieve about the hopes that will never be realized. However, it’s also necessary to praise God for all He has done and is going to do. It’s necessary to recognize all the ways He has used disappointment to bring forth great blessings and joys. As my old university president has often said, God is faithful; you can trust Him.