Some people may see the title of this article and claim to, in fact, know Daniel Holdrige. This must mean that he has to be real… right? Wrong. You may have seen “Daniel” walking around on campus, and at first glance nothing seems out of the ordinary. But have you ever stopped to really examine “him?” You might find yourself asking ‘what is under the surface of that shimmering bald head?” “Why won't he stop yapping about this Hegel fella?” “He’s from “Rochester, New York?” Um, New York is a city. Nice try, liberal. The only reasonable response to anyone who claims to know “Daniel” is: “shut up commie.” I will be developing a firm and undeniable theoretical grounding for the non-existence of this “man.” I will also be offering an explanation for this phenomenon, answering the question: what is the purpose of this faux catacombian?
If everyone at Covenant College had simply done their research, this article would be entirely unnecessary. Unfortunately, the plebians of this campus need the facts spelled out for them. “Daniel” simply cannot be real.
Charlie Curtis; Biblical and Theological Studies major and known truth-seeker lays out a solid argument: “Daniel was alive in the Bible, how could he [still] be alive today? D&?#4$$.” Whereas I believe that “Daniel” has a tendency, I note, to be there one second and gone the next. You might see “Daniel” out of the corner of your eye but the second you try to get a good look, he vanishes.
Charlie Green, his “roommate,” still seems to believe in his existence: “I leave out milk and great hall cookies at night before I go to sleep, and sometimes there's a little nibble… classic Daniel amirite?”
Now, some of you may see a problem with this line of logic: Daniel’s iconic orange beanie! Well there is a simple explanation for this. I interviewed Jessica Seabolt to get the full story.
Weller: “Jessica, how do you feel about people attributing your orange beanie, which you clearly wore first, to the character of (air quotes) ‘Daniel’?’ Seabolt: “My hatred and passion has been kindling for a long time.” Weller: “Do you think anyone could aspire to the level of iconicism as you and your orange beanie?” Seabolt: “The obvious answer is no. I remember going to Walmart and buying it. Someone's gotta wear it, and I was the only one that could fill that position. I feel as though there is room for friendly rivalry, but so far, no one has stepped up to fill it.” Weller: “Ok, sure bud.”
Tucker Russel, also known as “Phxlxp,'' 6”3, 21 years young, junior, class of 2025, psychology major, president of PsyChi, hailing from Dallas, Texas, chose not to comment on this issue.
What could be the purpose of all of this, what could be causing this group hallucination? It’s simple; according to Wikipedia: “Project MKUltra was an illegal human experimentation program designed and undertaken by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and intended to develop procedures and identify drugs that could be used during interrogations to weaken people and force confessions through brainwashing and psychological torture.” Notably, MKUltru made use of LSD microdoses on unsuspecting civilian populations. Is it possible that Covenant College is an MKUltra testing site? Is it possible that Carter tap water, the very tap water served in the great hall, could contain illicit substances, causing this group hallucination? I say, enthusiastically, yes, as this is the only reasonable explanation for the illusory catacombian art mature.
“Daniel Holdridge” isn’t real. “Daniel Holdridge” can’t hurt you anymore, Covenant College.
Be free.