We have to address the elephant in the room. It’s the one thing everyone on campus can’t shut up about—the thing that has set father against son, sister against brother.
Electric scooters.
We’ve all encountered this issue: You’re strolling through campus as you and your friends make your way to whatever it is people with both friends and free time do. You’re taking up most of the sidewalk, but who cares? You’re all fast walkers, and if someone is really on a mission they can cut through the grass.
But then, suddenly, a streak of grey zips between you and your friend, nearly knocking you off the path. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nope. It’s a student on an electric scooter.
As a self-proclaimed investigative journalist, I’ve done some research to find an explanation for the sudden appearance of scooters on Covenant’s previously motor-free campus (of course, excluding the honorable Dr. Plating and the now departed One Wheel Guy).
I must first note that no, the athletics department did not buy these scooters for athletes living in the student apartments. The true answer is simple and entirely lacking in any sensational qualities: A bunch of students in the apartments decided to buy them to make their trek up to the main campus easier.
While the origin of these two-wheeled abominations is a bit disappointing, the elephant has still not been expelled from the room. I’ll be the first to throw a stone at its tough hide: scooters are opposed to everything that is good and beautiful at Covenant College.
While you might not be on my side, nature is. Not only are the animals against scooters (eyewitness reports confirm scooter owners being assaulted by birds), but Covenant’s terrain is decidedly scooter-unfriendly. I’ve watched with barely concealed glee as scooter drivers are forced to trudge up Covenant’s many hills by foot because, in a contest between machine and Andreas Hill, the hill wins every time.
Scooter owners, I know you simply want to get to class a bit faster, but I urge you to heed this warning. Covenant is not a campus that will tolerate an insult this personal. You may think you can disrespect this hilly realm and get away with it, but understand that you are flaunting creational norms with your scootering tendencies. When Covenant is assailed by plagues of various kinds, you will only have yourself to blame.