Hot Super Bowl Predictions


Grab your nachos, it’s Super Bowl time! On February 4, the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles will go head-to-head for Super Bowl LII. I have a few predictions and, all modesty aside, you can take these bad boys to the bank. Let’s get started.

At some point in the game, someone will vomit on the field. Perhaps Belichick replaces a sideline referee’s pregame milk with much older milk. I’m not positive…. But if your roommate wants to bet that no one will yak this Super Bowl, well, that’s easy cash.

Furthermore, the Eagles will end the first half leading 17-2. If you’d like to bet against a safety, I’ll happily take your dollars off your hands. The Patriots’ halftime locker room will look one part “Facing the Giants,” one part “Silence of the Lambs,” with Bill Belichick ripping the stitches out of Brady’s thumb with his teeth mid-pep talk. It pays off. On the first snap of the second half the Patriots offensive line will collapse, forcing Tom Brady out of the pocket and rushing past the line of scrimmage. He’ll take this one 70+ yards, all the way to the end zone. The entire nation will be changing their pants for various reasons, I guarantee it.

Are you more interested in commercials than the game itself? Not to worry. One thing is for sure, at some point in the fourth quarter, the Eagles will take a timeout just long enough for Hardee’s to run a commercial. This one will be simple, just a chubby dude in a t-shirt watching a beautiful woman struggle to eat a burger while you reconsider ever bringing a child into this world. I don’t know about your dad, but mine will absolutely weep for the America that once was.

But how will it all end? I predict that the disgusting Hardee’s commercial will play a pivotal role in the final outcome of Super Bowl LII. Both teams will be watching it on the sideline, and the more sensitive Patriots will be appalled into torpor while the “Filthy Philly” Eagles will experience a juggernautic boost of bloodlust that will secure their victory. The final score will be 23-19. Thank me later.